Feedback to Ben's composition--96 SAT

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Revised version--process

I learned a lesson yesterday that before we made make any decisions, we should have thought think twice.
Yesterday was a favorable weather the weather was favorable, and I found that there was a cute cat in the park/when I was taking a walk in the park, I found a cute cat. Because I had dreamed/been dreaming of a pet for a long time, I could not help playing with that the cat, which I called Kitty. The more enjoyment fun I had, the more aspiration for me I wanted to own it. So I decided to take Kitty home. However, there were several cats stalked after me, and little did I know we were followed by several cats and that there would be an unexpected disaster happened would happen in my house.

After arriving at home, I asked my mom whether I could keep a cat. She said that I could as long as I promised that I would assure take all the responsibilities for it, she would granted my wish. Of course, I agreed in an ecstasy. However, the moment I entered the living room, I found something went had gone wrong out of my anticipation. There were four cats keeping kitty Kitty company. Not only they made did they make a mess in the room, but they also tore scratched several holes at in the sofa, even and the springs in the sofa even were sprang out! I was so astonished angry that I expelled drove all of them from out of my house. It took me a long time to clean the living room up.

It was true that Playing with cats was is enjoyable, but raising them was would be agonizing a hard job. I learned a lesson from it this experience.[J1]

Score: 11/20

Comments: 1. Being natural is beautiful. If you are not sure if some big word is OK to use in your composition, use a simple common word instead. For example, the word “expel” is used to mean “force sb to leave a country, school or club.” We don’t say “expel sb. from home.”

2. Good that you had variation in the sentence patterns.

Revised version

I learned a lesson yesterday that before we make any decisions, we should think twice.
Yesterday the weather was favorable, and when I was taking a walk in the park, I found a cute cat. Because I had been dreaming of a pet for a long time, I could not help playing with the cat, which I called Kitty. The more fun I had, the more I wanted to own it. So I decided to take Kitty home. However, little did I know we were followed by several cats and that an unexpected disaster happened would happen in my house.

After arriving home, I asked my mom whether I could keep a cat. She said that I could as long as I promised that I would take all the responsibilities for it. Of course, I agreed in ecstasy. However, the moment I entered the living room, I found something had gone wrong out of my anticipation. There were four cats keeping Kitty company. Not only did they make a mess in the room, but they also scratched several holes in the sofa, and the springs in the sofa even sprang out! I was so angry that I drove all of them out of my house. It took me a long time to clean the living room up.

Playing with cats is enjoyable, but raising them would be a hard job. I should have known better than to bring Kitty home. (238 words)

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[J1]Try a different conclusion. This does not echo the topic sentence. How about this: I should have known better than to bring Kitty home.

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Here is one on the same topic written by Mr. Ken Chen:

One day, something unexpected happened to Jamie. Jamie ran into a stray kitten in the park. The kitten was so cute that Jamie wanted to keep it. So, Jamie picked up ‘Kitty,’ as she called it, and started walking for home. However, what she did not know was that several other stray cats were following her. When Jamie got home, she asked her mother whether she could keep Kitty. Her mother finally consented. Jamie was very happy and took Kitty to the living room. Meanwhile, the other stray cats had slipped into the house and made a mess of the living room. Now Jamie had a hard time deciding whether to keep the cat or throw it away/ get rid of it. (by Mr. Ken Chen) (122 words)