Feedback to Ben's composition (95SAT)

Dear Ben,

Here is my feedback to your composition on 95SAT:

Please click Ben composition 95 SAT-feedback.doc for a clearer version to print out.

The revised version: (Process)

Nothing is more surprising than what I confronted yesterday. Yesterday was John's and my wedding anniversary, and I cooked various kinds of dishes to celebrate our ordinary but lucky happy lives marriage life. While/When I was cooking, my dog, called Ben, was sitting next to me keeping my me company.

After finishing cooking, I turned a round around and suddenly found a huge gorilla in front of me. I was so petrified that I dropped all of my dishes the dishes on my hand. However, my dog, which was so-called the the so-called the best friend of human beings, did not defend the gorilla even try to protect/defend me but ate the food that I had prepared for John.

Never the lessWhile I was screaming, the gorilla approached me step by step, and slowly put took off the mask. Not until the gorilla gave me a bunch of flowers did I know that it was my beloved John.[J1] No wonder Ben did was not afraid of the huge monster.[J2] John’s action What he did was really both surprised and pleased me. I think that I will love John forever and ever./Of course, with the food ruined, we had no choice but to go to a fancy restaurant and enjoy a romantic candlelit dinner.

Score: 13/20

Comments: 1. Never put verb “to be” with a verb. E.g. What he did was surprised me.

2. Logic!

3. Good to give every character a name.

4. Good to use a variety of sentence patterns.

5. I love the word “petrified.”

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[J1](This is a little illogical. You should have known it was John the moment he took off the mask.) It was John, my beloved husband!

[J2]monster. Before I could say anything, John handed me a bunch of flowers.

To make the revised version easier to read, please see the following.

The revised version

Nothing is more surprising than what I confronted yesterday. Yesterday was John's and my wedding anniversary, and I cooked various kinds of dishes to celebrate our ordinary but happy marriage life. When I was cooking, my dog Ben was sitting next to me keeping me company.

After finishing cooking, I turned around and suddenly found a huge gorilla in front of me. I was so petrified that I dropped all of the dishes on my hand. However, my dog, which was the so-called the best friend of human beings, did not even try to protect/defend me but ate the food that I had prepared for John.

While I was screaming, the gorilla approached me step by step, and slowly took off the mask. It was John, my beloved husband! No wonder Ben was not afraid of the huge monster. Before I could say anything, John handed me a bunch of flowers. What he did both surprised and pleased me. Of course, with the food ruined, we had no choice but to go to a fancy restaurant and enjoy a romantic candlelit dinner. (182 words)