"5 Life Lessons People Learn Too Late"--from Reader's Digest

http://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/life-lessons-people-learn-too-late/

5 Life Lessons People Learn Too Late

Strong relationships make for a rich life, but we're often  mistaken in the ways we pursue them.

By Elizabeth Svoboda   from Psychology Today Also published in Reader's Digest  Magazine February 2014
Read more: http://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/life-lessons-people-learn-too-late/#ixzz37dcDlExU

IF YOUR AMBITION is to lead a satisfying life, your best bet is to cultivate  connection. Studies show that people who enjoy rich ties with friends and family  are happier, have fewer health problems, and are more resilient. When it comes  to relationship advice, it’s also wise to approach conventional wisdom with a  critical eye. We’ve culled the data, consulted the experts, and arrived at five  essential lessons that depart from hand-me-down norms.

Lesson #1: Radical Acceptance Saves the Day

The idea that we can fix perceived flaws in our partners, friends, parents,  and grown children remains tantalizing. Decades ago, the musical Guys and  Dolls lampooned this notion with the lyrics, “Marry the man today, and  change his ways tomorrow.”

A healthy dose of ego often convinces us that our way of looking at things is  right, but trying to “correct” someone else usually backfires, says psychologist  Paul Coleman, author of “We Need to Talk”: Tough Conversations with Your  Spouse. “It implies that we’re coming from a more enlightened place, that we  have a deeper knowledge of what’s best,” he says. The other person may get the  message that he or she isn’t good enough and become resentful.

A healthier approach: “Look inward to fix the problem,” says Northwestern  University psychologist Eli Finkel. If your partner hates large gatherings,  consider attending the next party solo so he doesn’t have to make forced  conversation and you don’t have to leave early. Or if your son says he wants to  forgo college for now, try to express enthusiasm for his budding career as a  nature guide instead of bombarding him with school rankings. This involves the  recognition that you’ll never be in sync about some matters. “You have to say,  ‘We have this permanent difference, but we need to learn to live with each  other,’” Coleman says.

Lesson #2: Benign Neglect Is Good for Kids

Parents who hover relentlessly provoke eye rolls from developmental experts  and teachers alike. You can see these parents sprinting to the swings to right a  playground injustice or e-mailing schools incessantly.

“There’s a huge distrust in society’s institutions that pushes people to  overparent,” says Hara Estroff Marano, author of A Nation of Wimps.  “Parents also lack trust in children’s desire to be competent and don’t accept  that nature will influence the course of development,” she says. The compulsion  to intervene becomes stronger if parents view kids as surrogates for the  fulfillment of their own dreams, says retired Tufts University child  psychologist David Elkind, author of The Power of Play.

But regularly stepping in to protect kids from stress may hurt them in the  long run. Michelle Givertz, assistant professor of communication studies at  California State University, Chico, has studied hundreds of parent–young adult  pairs and found that overparenting leads to depression-prone, aimless kids (and  ultimately, adults) who lack the ability to achieve goals.

Parental overinvolvement is also associated with entitlement, Givertz says.  Kids who are used to getting everything they need without exerting any effort  may think, I’m entitled to everything, but I don’t have the abilities to achieve  what I want.

It’s better to let kids live with occasional disappointment and resolve their  own problems as much as possible, while assuring them that their feelings are  heard (even if you’re the one saying no) and that you’re available for moral  support. Trust in their capability to tackle obstacles. “Our job as parents is  to help kids become self-sufficient,” Givertz says.

Lesson #3: Opposites Don’t Forever Attract

The key to a happy, healthy relationship is choosing someone who is, quite  frankly, a lot like you—a person who validates your views and habits. Studies  have repeatedly underscored the importance of shared values, personality traits,  economic backgrounds, and religion, as well as closeness in age.

Glenn Wilson, a psychologist and a professor at Gresham College in London,  developed a compatibility questionnaire covering lifestyle, politics, child  rearing, morality, and finances. He found that partners who answer comparably  are more apt to report satisfaction. Still, he says, “when couples are overly  similar, it can be a bit of a brother-sister relationship—too predictable,  without a lot of novelty.”

So what’s the happy medium? Seek a partner whose passions differ enough from  yours to expand your experience, but with whom you’re aligned on big-picture  issues: how to show affection, what constitutes a moral life, and how to raise  children.

Lesson #4: Social Networks Matter

We’ve all heard the usual advice for living longer: Exercise, don’t smoke,  limit junk food. But friendships are just as important. “The higher the quantity  and quality of your relationships, the longer you’ll live,” says Bert Uchino, a  psychologist at the University of Utah.

Julianne Holt-Lunstad of Brigham Young University collected data from 148  studies analyzing the relationship between health and human interaction. She  found that, over a period of about seven years, people with active social lives  were 50 percent less likely to die of any cause than their nonsocial  counterparts. A low level of social interaction has the same negative effect as  smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

My comments: The last setence is shocking!

Psychologist Sheldon Cohen of Carnegie Mellon University gave subjects nasal  drops containing a cold virus; those who reported the greatest diversity of  social ties were four times less likely to develop colds than those reporting  the least diversity. But the quality of your relationships is just as important,  according to Uchino’s research. He recorded the blood pressure of 88 women in a  stressful situation (preparing to give a speech) and found that readings spiked  less when a close friend was there to offer encouragement. Researchers speculate  that the stress associated with weak social support sets off a cascade of  damaging reactions. Knowing your friends have your back can help prevent such  responses, Cohen says.

Lesson #5: Lust Wanes, Love Remains

Too often, couples assume a relationship is beyond repair when the intense  romantic excitement ends and the arguing begins. “The immature part of us loves  the idea that compatible people don’t have conflicts,” says psychologist David  Schnarch, author of Intimacy & Desire.

But research doesn’t support this. University of Denver psychologist Howard  Markman, coauthor of Fighting for Your Marriage, says successful couples  argue—it’s how they do it that matters (among other things, happy partners  refrain from nasty zingers). Airing grievances lets both people speak their  minds and take responsibility for their missteps.

It’s also normal for desire to wane. “Romantic love is when we have this  consuming, emotional experience, and it usually lasts about a year and a half,”  says Will Meek, a psychologist at the University of Portland. “Deep love comes  after we see how imperfect the other is and commit to him or her anyway.”

Rather than get caught up in complaints, psychologist Harriet Lerner, author  of Marriage Rules, suggests that you work to restore connection. That  might mean initiating something new in your sex life, or perhaps it’s as simple  as recycling that pile of boxes that’s been annoying her for months. “People  know what warms their partner’s heart,” Lerner says.

My comments: I believe if one day I clean out a big corner of my study, my husband would be moved to tears.